Walking through Murky Lanes

Going Down Memory Lane,
She tracked her life from moments and memories ,
A Thumping heart at the sound of the word 'Love'
Sometimes wanting to be saved by a white dove..

That cry for help,
On insecurities she forever felt,
In Matters of Love it delt..

She had no answers,
She had noone,
And the one that counted stayed forever numb.


Hormones Ticked like crazy,
Tears Spilled too easy,
Those Tainted Glasses Shattered,
With a impact it Tattered..


Scars beneath don't heal,
But She needed to understand this was part of the deal..

Time did pass,
Sometimes it felt like losing on a toss,


She eventually won,
The battles of forlorn .
Standing tall like typical Swan.
Possessing some elan!


This is a Place she promises to stay,
For years from this day!
:)

self hurt - its power

can you believe this girl can possibly self hurt? well i have started getting horrendously moody offlate and pop came this idea to self hurt. i never had the guts to actually inflect pain in me an watch it. but there was this evening i was going crazy in a pain i couldnt do anything about. it was a pain in my heart. it had no medicine. i felt causing greater physical pain might probabily solve this mess. my eyes were soaked. my body my shivering a bit. i ran into my kitchen robbed the knife carefully ran into my room and locked the door. i played a music i know that can aggrevate my sad depressed mood and put it on repeat. the knife was too big too sharp to be the starter tool in my life to self hurt. it was fucking scary too...... so i head out to a small razor blade that had this distorted edge. i was focusing on "my pain". the song got deep into me. held my hand out firm. there was my first shivery line. nothing happend. no blood. kept trying but it dint sink into my skin as easily as i assumed it to. i closed my eyes. had this moment of braveness i have never had in life. i felt numb. my tears were drying. this time around it was a coinsious hard attempt in drawing the line. a faint red line came up. it felt good. feltlike asif im on top of this world. or probabily free from the pain i was in that bloody day! i kept striking lines over and over again/// i wonder even now how i got the guts to do that..... it felt different. it wasnt painful atleast until i was doing it. some thin bleak 16 lines turned up in my hand.... all bruised and dots of blood showing up..... i came back from that trance. started crying seeing what i actually did to myself.those fifteen mnutes in my life felt like i was possessed. it was a world were i coudnt feel any emotion but a strange satisfaction. my song stopped. my hand started hurting. i couldnt move it. kept looking at my bruised self and suddenly felt lik shit! i told my best friend. he was totally hurt and said he couldnt call and ever speak to me as its affected him so deeply. next few days was totally hell. i had to cover up my hands at home until the scars wore off. i had to see rejected faces of my friends who hapen to see my scars by chance. i had a person i love seeing it for exactly ten seconds and talk about how "better /aweful/bad" his slitting practises used to be. it made me feel numb. i realised i hadnt sorted anything out but got myslef termed in everyones minds "im weak". it felt so bad....it wasnt something cool to flaunt either. days after this bad episode i have been into some other forms of self hurt. though it probabily can make you go into this "different world" of numbness braveness self coinsciousness i guess we have to realise its just those few seconds we feel that way. the emotions and feelings after that are something that can make you go insane..... its not worth waking up with swollen wet eyes you know.... cant tell you one >> its so difficult to camoflauge it with make up two >> what a way to start your day knowing the day before that was so horrible you had to weep all night? its a mood spoiler. your mind will eventually spoil the "today too". i was never this way before. i never want "the now" to extend forever. have friends who can make you feel good about yourself . sleep over only with the best of thoughts . every problem has to be solvable. keep faith the solution will found out the earliest :)

Money issues!

it really rocks to go out with friends an enjoy....... every thing turns out smoothly until u suddenly realise your sweeter side has been used a tad too much by ur friends and u end up paying for everything........ yup yup this happens to her highness so frequently tat from expert advises an late night deep thinking she has come up with ides on how to tackle this........

• step 1 realise tat friends can always be friends but when it comes to money it must be handled a tad differently.

i belong to this "oh so sweet" category... an it still is one tough job to open myslef up and tell my friends firmly everyone has to pull in money equally.. the most important way to handle such an issue is to choose the right words to tell your frnds abt tat. guess an idea can be to message them before leaving home tat plan goes in a way tat everyone needs to share expenses.... this is more easy as u don need to see them face to face... an all ofthem have to reply a "ok" to that.....

• never start offering to pay for someone hoping they will pay it bak later.

one very diffficult problem here too.... here either tat friend will end up taking ur gesture for granted and completely ignore tat fact later or will simply assume he/she does not need to pay bak thinking you are treating them. another problem here is some ppl i really luv as frnds simply dont pay back the money but instead offer to buy something in return..... this is where it gets tougher.... i remmebr once i payed for the movie ticket for my frnd an me and for the snacks (rs 180 totally) an instead of atleast paying for the ticket directly she said she will get me lunch...... i aint the kind who can obviously eat for hundred odd bucks an ended eating a small veg burger an wow my savings were over in one wink!!

• never get to the position of spending all your money what so ever.

you know when can this suck? when you realise you payed up all your money on lunch for friends an finally even for bottle of water you need to depend on them..... well this is where your frnds may sulk get lazy or divert you into not buyin from their money. well so you go out an cant afford to buy a water for yourself too! so each time you spend make sure you intelligently spend. if your a vegetarian you seriously dont need to spend on the non veg starter... if you arent the type who swears by a 50 buck juice during lunch like your friend simply dont pay for tat either. its their personal need and they ought to spend!

• if someone treats you someday do treat them back another day.

this may sound tricky but the key is to get the message across that usually noone gets to overspend on another. this maybe your boyfriend or best frnd in question... if he/she treats you today do buy them something back later. it can be usually of around the same amount if its an ok ok buddy. but if its someone closer to you ... it dosent matter if you spend more. cause they sure will know your financial situation an help out when your broke.

• the water bottle crisis!

i have faced this always during excursions. its so unfair to be buying water and eventually everyone drinking from it but you! sometimes it does hurt to be vocal about it to your friends... but do small changes. when in school during out station trips our rommates had to spend each day in turns for a 2 litre bottle meant only for us. its easier to be vocal when a group abides by you than you alone saying you cant share water and moreover everyone got to spend each day getting us savings.

• bus ticket problems.

firstly make sure your whole bunch of friends have enough change. though it does seem polite for one person to pay for all sometimes when things start being taken for granted even it return journey you will feel the burn in your purse! so tell firmly you can atmost pay for one more frnd and ask each to pair up tat way an give you final amount . this way while coming back the other person can pay for you. if its a close friend and your bus ticket is say 3 bucks pls for heaven sake dont pay her/him back. it gets really embarrasing if you are so calculative to the extreme limits.... and sometimes when you know you have over burdened a friend on a huge treat pls atleast do the deed of paying tat buddy for the journey.. and if you can handle change with a huge gang plan and distribute the money to one person before hand. so you dont need to be unnessesarily worried.

• handbagsss are a pain sometimes!

my sweetest friends are so ungirly that they dont carry a purse nor a bag. and im this miss girly girl who swears by a handbag . it gets irritating when they hand over their money to you. [ now you may think its an advantage to spend their money but well when in bus waiting to bus ticket they will just keep waiting blank cause well you have the money. its difficult at that point to ask them to pay as you need to find thier money get the change blah blah an lot easier to head to your purse!!] so once their money is in your bag you cant spend it so easily.... lets take an example here.... say we are in a place like asendas and you and one of your buddy heads to order while friends catch a place to sit. you can order for them but without askingthem it feels odd to take their money right? so y all trouble ...tell them they need to bring a purse and handle their things. its a huge trouble if they place their house keys/cap/ umbrella/ coolers/hairbrush /clips in ur bag cause you r responsible for all of it an moreover you need to carry it throughout.

• if your giving a treat tell your friends your budget first.

some ppl really dont mind buying something really lucious and sinful when a treat is announced... do know that you cant always order stuff like you do when your parents take you out. so one learn to order something simple and affordable if someone treats you. and if your giving the treat either suggest affordable combos to your mates and take the lead to order or fix a budget for each an tell them to suggest each a dish of their liking in that amount...

• dont think these are rude :) .... if you can afford to save money and spend on friends pls do... nothing wrong at all.. i just usually face these crisis's that i felt it must be said somewhere to help ppl... and mainly to me if i earn i can spend more on ppl i love better without guilt... but since im still at mercy of my parents pocketmoney i still need to find ways to act right when in comes to spending their money. do comment your views on this :)

A CLEAN SLATE!

phewww........... i wonder what was i thinking while i posted such horrible things in my blog!! no wonder it took me so long to come bak an change my horrible bitchy sad yucky posts into a better one!!
well thanks for all those who were oh so curious about the " what happend?" "he dumped you?" questions all long!
here is a newwwwwwww me now an well i realised something very truly in these few days....personal life cant afford to go to public eyes whatsoever!!
i dont intend to write about my relationship anymore....im cleaning up an washing away all the problems i self created an turning over a new leaf from now......
seeesh!! i used blog like a public diary.. i feel so stupid right now.. an ro machan ur right sorry i was out of my mind when i tried to use blog as a way to cope with problems an ended up only spoling things further!!
i may not be deleting some posts it will stay on to remind me on stupid things i did once in life!
im happy girl now... no more whiling away blah blah shit//// first thing i wanna do right now is give my blog a total makeover starting from my template....... have loadssssss to share guys!!
stick on to reading my posts.... not for gossips or updates of my personal life but to know my interests to many better things...... mainly happier things in life!!

world of lies!

well its been hardly few days since i recovered partially from ta "im goin to die " syndrome!!
now why am i so sad? why do you all think my blog deserves only sad posts???
no i aint at all lying to be overly sad.. it so happens that everything in my life currently is so upsetting tat i feel atleast it might help someone on earth next time they get into relationships....
you know wats the worst feelings on earth?

• doubting wer your most emotional an passionate relationship wit your guy is goin!
• doubting if you are so dam ugly,rude,and incompatible to your guy....
• doubting if your worth it to live like this forever....
• doubting worst still if your guys moved on without telling you....

now how do i handle this? i seriously dont know... none of my best buddies will belive me if i say im into soo much stress and struggle in this relationship... cause

• one they know how true im into this whole thing an how it means to me.
• two they are friends with my guy so they feel he sint tat type who can be wrong.......

now why do they get tat second feeling??

• this is so bloody like the hillary song "stranger" it may seem so funny an non understandive to evryone but i know behind that sweet guy of mine they is a real rude bad horrendoussly crazy side i simple cant understand.....!
• its so simple to laugh off an say this is how all girlfriends are.. im here facing this day in and day out... and i seriuosly have noone to help as noone will ever know many things...im into so much stresss. my guy is acting sooo insensitive to me an i cant fathom how he simply chooses to intellegently attraact others into his "im a sweet guy" category!

challenges i face currently

• lost out on self confidence
• lossing out on love! its fading
• totally stressed out
• cant face this rudeness anymore
• i have noone to help me
• noone belives me wen i go like "my guy is so totaaly rude i don want him"
• im not allowed to be given freedom...... he wont breakup wit me for god knows wat fucking reason! he should either act like how a matured guy acts in a relationship and treat me well or give me the freedom to part ways!
• i feel trapped ppl... what must i do? i don know wether i want this... i don know if hes into some serious psychological problem...i don know if he will come bak wen i finally plan to move on ! i cant move forward.....

what must i do??

• i have written a thousand mails to him explaining what i need out of life an this relationship....
• i have personally talked this out so many times with him. he goes like ok ok you will see a change in me.... but all the change i ever see is his increasing insensitivity!
• can you help me deal with this?? i feel so entangled in this
• truth is im totally not happy at all. these feelings trap so much of my gud times tat im unable to rejjoice life wit my frnds !!
• can someone who secretly reads my blogs frm my so called class without even having the boldness to accept it an comment on my posts pls help me??
• i see a world of lies in him! i saw his genuine heart once upon a time....... now its totally screwd up an mixed wit dark evil sinister portions!

y am i appealing to you ppl of all?

• one if you ppl dont really enjoy happy ppl in relationships do let me know! atleast i will know prob is wit you n u need to be dealt wit firstly then him!
• two majority of his fucking process is suddenly only goverend by you friends! he isnt using his brains wen im sad an crying alone! he rather sits an spends time with you saying "avo ipidithaan seri aidiva freeya vidu" "nambo padam pakalam da"
• someone pls get the old him bak to me! it can b kaml,it can be gv or chandru or anyone close tohim!

thats all.......if u ppl don even want to try .. forget it! i realise you r such jerks to call yourselves his goodd friends! an mayb someday he will realsie your unworthiness!

COME BACK MY LOVE!

where are you?
The true YOU i saw an felt days back....
is it u i fell for really?
i don knowwww....


is it just another illusion ?
tell me pls your doing this for fun....
cant take it anymore

will this last furthermore?
are we still together....
or is there someother?

why have you changed so much?
i dont feel your touch anymore....
i dont see the mushyness
i dont see your smile...
i only feel your rudeness
i only see your anger
i only sence ur frown.....


is there a way to get u bak?
or have i lost track?

i gave u everything i had...
shared your sorrows caused i cared...
i loved you honey...
no this aint funny..
i realised my luv when you started backin out...
don know whats happening....
just want those hugs back forever,,,,,

i cant concentrate,
cant imagine you leaving me....
for -you made me step into ur world 365 days bak
and without that world lacking
that smell,those hands, that presence
i will have no conscience...


come bak darlin boi... forgive me if i was wrong
love u too much!

~dementor ..shooo go away!~

well lets start this by explaining my useless life updates now.....

things that havent changed as yet

• my boyfriend and my love for him
• my anger
• my tearssss i vent out on an off
• my eating habits!
  
• my tummy! which is never planning to reduce by magic....
• my messy face wit a new pimple every week.... which so bloody sucks as usual.
• myyy fights with my best buddy.
• my urge to be an obideint studious girl in class.
• the fact that i can ask my guy im hungry and to take me to the canteen.
• the fact that i can ask lill lill helps from him... like lifting my bag holding my library books.
• the way my guy walks pleading me all way home on fights.
• the way my so called "friends" in college portray thieramazing attitude world....... wer affection or care is a word they dont know.... and if they mistakingly show it its for sheer publicity!
• the fact i love my parents.... and the fact today i actually realised my moommy luvs me way too much!
• the fact that i don mind doing stuff like cooking dishes or making cards for my guy.
• my love to late night talks....
• my aspiration to be a slim self by end of this year....
• my forgetfull nature will remain till deadth.
• my consern for my pretty babe pika.....who is entangled with ho so many guys.... just hope she is happy!
• my madness to my guy! nothing cant compete to this madness.....
• my adament attitude!
• the way im so irritable not in touch with my awesum skool buddies! i hate for doing this..... i luv them but cant shell time out!! ppl thank me nowadays if i send a sms to them u knw!! that level.....
• the way i wweeeeeep endlessly listening to "bang bang" by nancy in KILLbill.....

• the way i get so mad on sad song lyrics and agrevate my already down mood with such songs!! [[[mockingbird- eminem,do you know- enrique,when your gone- avril,hurt- christina

30 minute- tatu,missing,bring me to life- evanesence,bang bang- nancy..... in my playlist for the past hour!!]]]]

• the way i try to upset my whole family every morning by rushing late to coll....
• the way i tear good memories when im upste[ tore the valentines day card i gav to my guy today out of anger.......:(]
• the way i so totally feel fish out of water in coll!! irritable friends who arent worth to b called frnds!! y couldnt pika study wit me! i so bloody want my skool frnds bak! misssss them!
• the way i missssss my skool gang >>pika,gowri,prat,sushi,sankara! cha we so bloodyyyy rocked as girfriends! and i miss gowri an prat the mostttt cause i used to luv thier carefree attitude!
• the fact i write posts only when im upset in this blog!! lol......
• the fact i get irritated wen my guy checks other girls out.....
• the fact i neeed my bro now right here for psychotherapy..... as im nil on self confidence
  
• nah..... i will go endlessly this way lets move to point two!

things that have changed

• my guys attitude shower in recent times.....
• no more gifts or mails or scraps online, or ecards from my guy.....
• the fact i may never even get a silver ring even my guys ex was gifted with on valentines day......!
• no more intresting convos with my guy,,,,,, hes busy and its me who has to adjust,compromise, move on with some other work.
• the fact i dont get to hold hands under the desk with him anymore....... :(
• the fact that he feels its ok to let me walk alone aftr a fight... [ worst day>saarang...... i left my money wit him..... i had an arguement.... and wen i left he din care abt me.... he jus let me go..... i walked all way home! which is so bloody far and also a risky trip!]
• the fact i not only feel fish out of water in clas... i hav also started hating my class.... wuldnt mind discontinung an goin sum wer!
• the fact though i don luv my class.... i feel so bloody comfortable wit few juniors an many seniors,,,,,!
• the fact that i hav got new contacts now.... :)
• the fact that i sumtimes don feel like sleepin wit ta teddy my guy gifted.....!
• the fact im crazy abt my guy to ta extent i would even fall at his feet to be sorry foor sumthing!
• the fact that im losing momentum wit my intensity levels wit my guy.....
• the fact my guy spends more time on anyone else but me!
• the fact my parents go out of the way to mak me comfortable!
• im not intrested anymore in life......
• the fact im trying to pay bak suumtimes to m guy if he does sumthing tat hurtssss real bad!
• the whole meaning of LOVE is changed![goshh... hw did i forget this point!]
  
• the fact that i want to pause button my relationship!
• the fact tat i think i might live life move on splitting wit my guy..... cause it was a thought i never dreaded to think abt until recently.....
• the fact i can confide stuff to a host of new ppl who help me..... thanks apu,harini,abhisheik!
• the fact i cant concentrate on studies when my guys fight comes in way..... not only studies but also general life..... get very disturbed!
• the fact tat my guy keeps endlessly wanting me to change...... he always expects sumthing different frm wat i do....!
  
• my wants from my guy......
• the fact tat i don know if i can b the same wit my bro.... aftr such a long separation....!
• the fact tat i don feel scared.
• i don feel jittery to feel pain...... when im upset tat is.....
• the fact that i feel a total loser suddenly!
• the fact that sumtimes though i feel the need to confide on sumone i dont simply to let myself decay in the pain!
• the fact im waiting for a chance to make more frnds.... be more in touch and not rely on him
  

• the fact that i suddenly feel LOVE PAIN REGRET HURT ANGER all mean the same nonsence

dunno wat to do...... today was one of the most horrible days in the world...... hope atleast my daughter gets to have a better an merrier love life!