self hurt - its power

can you believe this girl can possibly self hurt? well i have started getting horrendously moody offlate and pop came this idea to self hurt. i never had the guts to actually inflect pain in me an watch it. but there was this evening i was going crazy in a pain i couldnt do anything about. it was a pain in my heart. it had no medicine. i felt causing greater physical pain might probabily solve this mess. my eyes were soaked. my body my shivering a bit. i ran into my kitchen robbed the knife carefully ran into my room and locked the door. i played a music i know that can aggrevate my sad depressed mood and put it on repeat. the knife was too big too sharp to be the starter tool in my life to self hurt. it was fucking scary too...... so i head out to a small razor blade that had this distorted edge. i was focusing on "my pain". the song got deep into me. held my hand out firm. there was my first shivery line. nothing happend. no blood. kept trying but it dint sink into my skin as easily as i assumed it to. i closed my eyes. had this moment of braveness i have never had in life. i felt numb. my tears were drying. this time around it was a coinsious hard attempt in drawing the line. a faint red line came up. it felt good. feltlike asif im on top of this world. or probabily free from the pain i was in that bloody day! i kept striking lines over and over again/// i wonder even now how i got the guts to do that..... it felt different. it wasnt painful atleast until i was doing it. some thin bleak 16 lines turned up in my hand.... all bruised and dots of blood showing up..... i came back from that trance. started crying seeing what i actually did to myself.those fifteen mnutes in my life felt like i was possessed. it was a world were i coudnt feel any emotion but a strange satisfaction. my song stopped. my hand started hurting. i couldnt move it. kept looking at my bruised self and suddenly felt lik shit! i told my best friend. he was totally hurt and said he couldnt call and ever speak to me as its affected him so deeply. next few days was totally hell. i had to cover up my hands at home until the scars wore off. i had to see rejected faces of my friends who hapen to see my scars by chance. i had a person i love seeing it for exactly ten seconds and talk about how "better /aweful/bad" his slitting practises used to be. it made me feel numb. i realised i hadnt sorted anything out but got myslef termed in everyones minds "im weak". it felt so bad....it wasnt something cool to flaunt either. days after this bad episode i have been into some other forms of self hurt. though it probabily can make you go into this "different world" of numbness braveness self coinsciousness i guess we have to realise its just those few seconds we feel that way. the emotions and feelings after that are something that can make you go insane..... its not worth waking up with swollen wet eyes you know.... cant tell you one >> its so difficult to camoflauge it with make up two >> what a way to start your day knowing the day before that was so horrible you had to weep all night? its a mood spoiler. your mind will eventually spoil the "today too". i was never this way before. i never want "the now" to extend forever. have friends who can make you feel good about yourself . sleep over only with the best of thoughts . every problem has to be solvable. keep faith the solution will found out the earliest :)